Harry, Ron and the MS PWP
by Amethyst2
Summary: Harry and Ron decide this year is boring, and take matters into their own hands, by using the all-powerful tool of fanfiction to create themselves the perfect girlfriends. But what happens when Mary May and Susie Sue aren't all they seemed? Much hilarity,


"OK, everyone," Hermione shouted over the din, "the new password is "Tigerpox!" Everyone remember it, please?" But it was very hard to hear over the tide of conversation. The Gryffindors had reason to celebrate, because something had happened this year that had never happened before: every single new student had gone into Gryffindor. That made almost forty new members of the house. It also made for a horrid uproar among both the students of the other houses and the teachers, who would have to both reschedule their classes to make up for lessons not being had with the first years, and expand their classrooms to make room for the new Gryffindors.  
  
Because of this, all the Gryffindors were cheering, and celebrating. However, Harry and Ron were celebrating too, and not just because of the new house members.  
  
"You still have it, don't you?" Ron whispered the question in Harry's ear.   
  
Harry grinned and patted the duffel bag at his side. "Right here."  
  
"Oh man, Hermione is going to be soooo jealous!"  
  
"Imagine Ginny," Harry added, chuckling.  
  
"What about Ginny?" Ron turned to his best friend, confusion on his face.  
  
"Nothing, never mind." Harry peeked in the bag to make certain, once again, that it was still there. "This is going to be," he said, imagining Cho's face turning green with envy, "the best year we've ever had."  
  
"What are you guys talking about?" Hermione had finally completed her prefect duties, and the Gryffindors were pouring into the Common Room. Several teachers who had been busy expanding the dorms leapt out of the way of the crowd barely in time.   
  
"Oh, nothing," Harry said, trying to keep a serious look on his face.  
  
"Yes, nothing at all," Ron said, although he failed at keeping his "poker face" on.   
  
"Hermione!" One of the other Gryffindor girls called, and the prefect rushed into the Common Room to speak with her.  
  
"We'll do it tonight?" Harry asked in an undertone.  
  
"Right. With all the new Gryffindors none of the teachers will notice," Ron replied. "But for now, we better get this thing safely to our dorm."  
  
"Yeah," Harry said, hugging his package closer. "We wouldn't want anyone else to get hold of this."  
  
They crept up to their dorm, oblivious of the partying going on around them.  
  
***  
  
Later that night…  
  
Two black-cloaked figures crept down the stairs. One was holding a flat black box, and the other several wires, and they both held their possessions as if they were made of gold and studded with diamonds. They both knelt down by the wall near the fire place. The one carrying the flat box set it down, and brought out a wand from somewhere in his robes. He pointed it at the wall, and muttered several spells. A moment later, the other figure attached the wires to the wall, and to the black box.  
  
"What are you two doing?"  
  
Both Harry and Ron jumped at the sound of Hermione's voice from behind them.  
  
"Uh…" Harry remarked intelligently.  
  
"We were… um…you see…" Ron added wittily.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"It's uh…" Harry started to explain, but stopped. "Um."  
  
"It's a frompuker," Ron explained, breaking down. "And we were going to use it to get on the Fishernet-"  
  
"That's a computer, and the Internet," Harry reminded his friend.  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"Why," Hermione asked in a slow tone, as if she was asking a pair of toddlers why they had their hands in the cookie jar, "are you getting on the internet?"  
  
Harry and Ron exchanged glances. "We, um…" Harry had apparently lost all powers of speech.  
  
"We're going to read some stories, that's all."  
  
Hermione's eyebrows shot up at this. "Stories? What kind of-" She stopped, and her face turned very red. "Not… Oh surely, you can't mean…"  
  
"Of course not!" Harry snapped, regaining use of his mouth. "We're going to read fanfiction about us, that's all!" He realized what he had just said, and bit his lip.  
  
"Fanfiction?" Hermione paused. "You mean, people writing stories about us? I knew we were popular and everything, but I didn't know…" She paused again. "Why were you going to read fanfiction? Don't you know it's dangerous? Don't you know that it could completely alter our universe? Don't you know that there is a ban on all fanfiction by the Ministry of Magic? Don't you-"  
  
"Yes, we know!" Ron inserted. "We're not just going to read it, though."  
  
"WHAT?!?!?" Hermione gasped. "Don't you kn-"  
  
"Actually, yes, we do know some things, Hermione," Harry said, shaking his head. "You aren't the only one who studies Post-Series-Effects on Characters. I take that class too, you know."  
  
"And I'm taking Alternate Universes 101," Ron added. "We both realize how dangerous fanfic can be to we book characters."  
  
Hermione smiled. "Good. I'm glad we've settled this, then." She turned around and walked two steps before hearing, "You've Got Mail!"  
  
"HEY!" She stormed back over, to see both boys leaning guiltily over the keyboard. "I thought we just established that fanfic is very dangerous!"  
  
"Since when have we ever avoided something dangerous?" Ron asked.  
  
Harry would have added something, but he was too busy typing. "OK, we already have gathered the information we need -"  
  
"What information?" Hermione asked.   
  
"The information about how to not write a fanfic!" Ron said excitedly.  
  
"Like I said," Harry continued, looking slightly peeved at the interruption, "we've gathered all the information we need from our sources-"  
  
"What sources?" Hermione asked again.  
  
"Oh, there are some just AMAZING websites out there, Herm! Fanfiction.net is the best, thousands and thousands of people writing about us and the things we do!" Ron's eyes glazed over as Harry, sighing heavily, tried to continue once more.  
  
"So we're about to use all the info we've found to create a fanfiction of our own." Harry grinned naughtily. "We're doing a MS PWP!"  
  
"A what?"  
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "He's gotten addicted to all the abbreviations that they use."  
  
"So, HR, r/r any good fics l8ly?" Harry asked.  
  
Hermione smacked him so hard he fell backwards onto the keyboard. "You'll call me by my full name, Harry James Potter!"  
  
Both Harry and Ron stared at her. " 'James?'"   
  
"Yes, that's his middle name, isn't it?"  
  
Ron started to giggle.  
  
"Herm," Harry said, "I'm only HJP in fanon. If you think that's my middle name, you must have read at least one fanfic."  
  
Hermione scuffled her foot on the ground. "Well, actually, I've read quite a few, but that doesn't mean they're any less dangerous!" Then, as an afterthought, "What *is* your middle name?"  
  
Harry mumbled something.  
  
"What? I couldn't hear you?"  
  
"Let's just keep writing, OK?" Harry climbed off of the keyboard. "All we have so far is 'asglkjrawt@$%alf weta nawelk4y3426.'"  
  
"Ooh, what are all those squiggly red lines?" Ron asked.  
  
"That's spellcheck." Harry rolled his eyes. "See the little animated paperclip? He reads what we're writing and tells us that everything is spelled wrong, and written wrong. See?" He typed 'Hermione.' Immediately the little red lines appeared.   
  
"What does it THINK that word is?" Hermione asked. She grabbed the mouse and right-clicked the line. The paperclip started to list several words that Hermione should be. "Hermit? Hermetic? Hermaphrodite?!?!?!?! I'll show you Hermaphrodite!" Hermione pointed her wand at the paperclip. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
  
The paperclip gave a squeak of pain, and fell over dead.   
  
Somewhere far away, all the alarms at Microsoft started going off.  
  
"What's going on?" Bill Gates angrily demanded of Whiny Microsoft Minion #7934.   
  
"Well, someone has managed to kill the paperclip!"  
  
"WHAT?!?!?"  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Harry and Ron were beginning to discover just how much power a fanfic author possesses.   
  
"Here, let me try something!" Ron glanced over his shoulder at Hermione, who had her arms folded and was glaring at them, and then started to type.   
  
~Hermione got on her hands and knees and started to bark like a dog.~  
  
Hermione got on her hands and knees and started to bark like a dog. "Yip! Ruff! Woof woof woof!" She narrowed her eyes at Ron. "Rrrr Ruff Rroww woof Yip Yip Ruff!" Ron burst into fits of laughter.   
  
"Here, let me!" Harry grabbed the keyboard. ~Hermione then turned into a dog~  
  
Ron read what he'd written. "Yeah! All right! That's hysterical!"  
  
Rrrrrrrr.  
  
Both boys slowly turned around to see a great dane with long bushy brown hair and huge five inch fangs staring at them, growling in rage.  
  
"Um, that's not exactly the kind of dog I meant," Harry squeaked.  
  
"Quick!" Ron grabbed the keyboard as the dog lunged at Harry's throat. ~Hermione turned back into herself.~  
  
Hermione turned back into herself. And just in time, too, because she landed on the floor just inches from Harry.  
  
She got up, dusted herself off, and listened to the stream of apologies pouring from both her friends. Finally, as the stream trickled to a muttered, "Sorry, Herm," every few seconds, she asked, "I assume you two had a purpose in this fanfiction business besides humiliating me?"  
  
"Er…" Both of them once again lost all powers of speech.  
  
"Accio computer!" The computer jerked away from the boys and into Hermione's hands. (Fortunately it had a very long cord. "Let's see, files on "fanfiction."" Hermione scanned through the fics. After reading a few paragraphs from one, she asked, "You said you were doing a MS PWP?"  
  
"Yes," both boys said penitently.  
  
"That's a Mary Sue fic, "Plot What Plot?" style, correct?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am."  
  
Hermione held the computer in her hands for a while. Then, with a sigh, she handed it back. "Far be it from me to help you avoid the infliction of severe annoyance. Go ahead, write your fic." She turned to walk away as both boys scrambled for the keyboard. "Oh, on one condition." They looked up. "Leave. Me. Out. I don't want anything to do with this Mary Sue person, understand? Oh, and keep it clean."  
  
They both nodded vigorously. Hermione once again climbed the steps up the the girls' dorm, chuckling to herself. Those boys didn't know it, but they were in for a load of trouble.  
  
"Quick, hand me the keyboard!"  
  
"No, I get mine first, it's only fair!"  
  
"Yeah, you're the hero and everything. Just hurry it up, Harry."  
  
"OK, lesse." He erased all that was previously written. "Now, let's make her a transfer student? We don't want her to be younger than us."  
  
"No, let's make her a year younger."  
  
"Sounds good. OK, let's go." He took a deep breath, and started to type.   
  
~Among the new Gryffindors was a transfer student. Mary May Marie.~  
  
"Nice!"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
~Mary May had long dark blond hair that she kept in a braid that almost touched the floor. She had deep blue eyes, ocean dark but with a gleam of light that made her even more beautiful.~  
  
"Ooh, traditionalist, eh Harry? Blonde, blue-eyes, what next? 36-28-36?"  
  
"No." At Ron's disbelieving snort, "Hermy said keep it clean, remember?"  
  
~Mary May's parents had died when she was very young, but she had grown up with her loving grandmother. She had the sweetest disposition. Her charm was so that almost everyone who met her fell instantly in love with her.~  
  
"She'll make everyone's mouth pucker. Take out the sugar, please."  
  
"You'll get your turn, Ronald Weasley."  
  
~Mary May always was afraid of the dark, though. Never once in her fifteen years had she been able to stand being alone in the darkness. When she transferred to Hogwarts, she hoped she could find someone to help her conquer her fears, and to protect her when they got too overwhelming.~  
  
"OK, I'm done."  
  
"That's it?" Ron gawked. "You're not going to add anything else?"  
  
"Why bother? We can always go back and fix it later."  
  
"OK, my turn."  
  
~Also among the new Gryffindor transfers was Susie Sue Sutherland. Susie Sue also had beautiful blue eyes and long hair, but there the similarities ended. Susie Sue had black hair, which she kept loose to form a cape behind her. She had a smattering of freckles across her otherwise perfect skin, and her dark brows arched delicately above soulful eyes and a tiny pug nose.~  
  
"Ooh, like the part about her "soulful eyes.""  
  
"Thank you."  
  
~Susie had come to Hogwarts looking for adventure. While she was smart,-~  
  
"Oops! Forgot to make mine smart too!"  
  
"Here, I'll fix it."  
  
~While she was smart, just like Mary May, Susie Sue wasn't obsessed with studying. Instead, Susie Sue liked strategy games like chess. Imagining the pieces were real soldiers helped her satisfy her need for action. Susie Sue was very brave. Her only fear was spiders. Her last boyfriend, a black-haired bug freak from Canada, had loved spiders. She had sworn never to date anyone with black hair again, and was looking for another guy, preferably a red-head~"  
  
"This is a story, not a personals ad, Ron!"  
  
"Sorry, it's staying. You added that part about Mary May looking for someone to help conquer her fears!"  
  
"OK, OK, fine."  
  
~Susie Sue and Mary May were anxiously awaiting the beginning of their first day at Hogwarts.~  
  
"And so begins Chapter One," Harry said.  
  
"Of the best year of our lives," Ron finished. They gave each other high-fives, and clicked the mouse on the "Save" button.  
  
At that moment there was a shriek of terror from the girl's dormitory.  
  
  
  



End file.
